Names I would have considered had I been selected as the next Pope

From what I've been told, I narrowly missed being chosen to be the new Pope. This is a shame because check out my list of cool Pope names.

pope cletus viii
pope onarope ii
pope groveraticus vi
pope sicola v
pope john secada i
pope chachi x
pope shizzle iv
pope peroni iii
pope ilicious ii
pope stuey i
pope "you-can't-touch-this" huhrubababubb ix
pope kindapious iii
pope secret vii
pope "i'm not that innocent" x
pope n taco viii

Things that I would do if I became a nurse (for dg)

institute a "change your neighbor's bedpan" ice-breaker
get a running start when i give injections
only grover gets to spongebath the hot chicks
hire that noah wyle dude . . . he sure knows a lot about medicine
wear black
draw a mustache on the coma patients
institute a strict no complaining policy for the patients
do something about that hospital smell
x-ray my lunch
hand the scalpel backwards - you know, just to be funny
practice my newly invented therapeutic treatment - accupunching

Things I have confessed in church (also for dkg)

that indian dude who cries about pollution cracks me up
i don't really care for chocolate milk
i put the finger in the chili
the moon scares me
let's just say that you won't be able to get any "virgin wool" from my neighbor's sheep anymore*
i broke the mold
i invented "the wave"
i shot j.r.
i gave my grandma's poodle a mohawk
i had an impure thought about bea arthur
i plant dandelions
i stole the show
i'm ruggedly handsome
i considered cutting the tag off my pillow
i shot the deputy
back in the days of the original star trek, i rooted for the klingons

*i don't know what you may have been thinking, but the reason for this is, of course, that i sheared them for the first time a couple of nights ago. and by shearing, i mean . . . taking a clipper and clipping their wool off.

Things I have recently read in the bathroom (for dkgoodman)

the silmarillion
a ketchup packet
my blog
the dictionary
your mind
bazooka joe
a penny
in style
the signs
house beautiful
the monster enquirer
my underwear tags
a starburst wrapper
the fine print

Things that I would like to see on American Idol

jousting
lowest two vote getters play checkers to see who goes home
one week's theme : songs in farsi
tickle fight between simon and randy
muppets
contestants have to "sign" the words as they sing the song
a mosh pit
erik estrada
a contestant decide NOT to hold up their call-in number on their fingers after singing
tamale vendors
another week's theme : german opera
scott savol answer his cell phone in the middle of his song
ducks
another week's theme : really annoying songs

Things that are more heinous than Donald Trump's hair

Things that make me go "hmmmmmm...."

math
questions about mitochondria
krill
left handed people
everyone else's fortune cookies
dimensions
spain
any shopping channel
designer hedgehog paraphernalia
foie gras
melancholy
calvin and hobbes
urban shepherds

Things that would be a poor substitute for a bandage if you scraped your knee

duct tape and a salt lick
a bunch of spiders
philadelphia
a couple of churros
concentration
thumbtacks
molasses
hope
andy garcia
the collective unconscious
beano
wrapping paper (christmas)
wrapping paper (birthday)
shouting

Things you don't want to hear after you wake up from surgery

"were you accustomed to using both arms?"
"hey, you're not supposed to be awake yet"
"how would you feel about setting off metal detectors from now on?"
"what the . . . ?"
"would you mind tidying up a little? the janitorial staff is on strike this week"
"hey, what are you doing down there on the floor?"
"you've been asleep for 20 years. your wife left you, remarried and has 3 kids with her new husband"
"did you drool uncontrollably before the appendectomy?"
"we went ahead and threw in a free gastric bypass because we figured you needed it"
"i've got killer malpractice insurance so take your best shot"

Things that anger me

avocados
steeping
the cheshire cat
sporks
nutmeg
corpuscles
itchy underpants
metamorphoses
cheyenne
drool puddles
cheese cola
badger crossing guards
nougat
partial nudity
murkiness
melon oriented theater troops
special deliveries
the gulag archipelago
sharp elbows
dental appliances

My stupendous slideshow

Please view my slideshow that I created a few years ago for some friends who moved to Chicago. We took a trip to the L.A. County Fair and Lake Arrowhead with my brothers, and this chronicles some of my adventures. The slides do not automatically advance, so please click down on the scroll bar to advance to the next slide.

Things that would be difficult to identify by walking on them with bare feet

enchiladas
1/4 teaspoon measuring spoons
dan rather
fudge ripple ice cream
blueberry syrup
morsels
frog toes
socks (because you might get confused and think you that you're wearing them)
midol
barley
photographs of turkeys
trepidation
sunshine
gin
the declaration of independence
lebanon, indiana

Bad hair day

Burgling

Daydreaming

Things that I like to bring to school

yahtzee
geraniums
a felt hat
popcorn
my pet fish marty
roller skates
britney spears
butter
sunny disposition
a couple of hobbits
windex

Things that Mary should have had besides a Little Lamb

an inappropriately sarcastic ladybug
a ubiquitous hedgehog
speed skating tapeworms
vietnamese pot-bellied canary
chain-smoking bullfrog
an occasionally gassy leopard
teeny tiny giraffe
harvard educated goat
milk dud addicted walking stick
politically motivated howler monkey
alcoholic fruit bat
nuclear eel

Things I'm considering putting on a t-shirt

i'm naked under here
calliope county cheez whiz chuggin champion
mess with the best die like all the other ones
my parents went crazy and all i got was this lousy t-shirt
everybody knows what i'm talkin about
feet
what's that smell?
santa doesn't know about me
wham! fan
quit it! i'm not staring at your boobs, am i?