Grover at the Pinnacle

Yesterday I climbed to the tippy top of Mt. San Gorgonio in Southern California. It was a strenous, yet invigorating hike. I will be sure to post pictures and stories very soon. By the way, the forest rangers adore me (I have the pics to prove it).

G

Things that would be a poor choice to use as a pickup line

you're almost as pretty as your friend
don't worry, it's not contagious
hi there. can you buy me a drink?
that's a nice outfit you have on. but it would look even better if you took it to the cleaners, had it cleaned and pressed, and then put it on again.
if I told you you have a beautiful body would you be able to tell that I was lying?
hey baby, can I buy you breakfast? here's a $5 gift certificate to McDonald’s. try the new mcgriddle.
hi beautiful. is that your perfume or did somebody cut the cheese?
I'm out on parole and ready for love!
hey baby, it's your lucky day! I'm too drunk to care what you look like.
wow, I bet you must be a model . . . plus-size of course.
has anybody ever told you that you look like charlize theron? I just watched her in monster and the resemblance is striking.

Grover's answers to the music questions

Total volume of music files on my computer :

You can put music files on your computer? Get outta here with that crazy star trek stuff...

The last CD I bought :

Billy Gilman Live from Red Rocks - The Unstoppable Tour

Song Playing Right Now :

All 4 Love - Color Me Badd

5 Songs that I listen to a lot :

Anything and Everything sung by John Tesh
All I want for Christmas is a Pony to Eat - trad. monster folk song
Rock Me Harder Baby All Night Long - Zamfir, the master of the Pan Flute
Mary had a Little Lamb - trad.
Songs in Ordinary Time

5 People that I am passing the baton to :

Walter Cronkite
Tony Blair
Toucan Sam
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Jeanne Tripplehorn

Things that I would like to see become events at the next winter olypmics

snow eating
ice checkers
50 meter platform diving into a tiny hole in the ice (this one is really more about accuracy than form)
frosty pole tongue sticking
prairie-dog sledding
ski-boot wearing endurance contest (participants put on a pair of ski-boots on day one - whoever keeps them on and tolerates the foot cramps the longest wins)
snowmobile demolition derby
chicken luge
317 man bob-sled
snowman making
some game where you slide a big rock down the ice and use little brooms to sweep the ice in front of it, all the while some dude in the back yells at the broom guys (wait - sorry that's just ridiculous)
one handed ice cube melting

Size matters

Fantastic band names

Shortly after my good buddy Brain (aka Brian, aka Wubba . . . featured in my stupendouse slideshow) moved back to Chicago, he started a band. This band has a pretty cool name, Eutychus Falling. However, one day, Brian wrote me with the news that he was considering changing the name of the band and was wondering if I had any brilliant ideas. Needless to say, I did. Here was my response.

generally unaware
monopod visits
chugging butterflies
onan's birdhouse OR onan's estuary (the man who God killed for spilling his "seed")
For Micah
biblical hobbits
the speed skating tapeworms
staring kangaroos
nebuchadnezzar mood
flamingo rodeo
skinny eglon (from the book of Judges)
sword of ehud
gnat baggage
esau's razor
looking for urchins
sloppy minus
bears for breakfast
elijah's horseshoes (referring to the last thing that elisha saw as elijah ascended to heaven on a chariot of fire)
gossimer canons
sapphire harlot
alternative gnus
the mists of antiquity
granite juice
thimble of wrath
early marmuts
moosticles
transparent yolk
lazarus, get back in there
elisha and the bears
something salty
under the cheese
nebulous concept
riding albino dragons
scattered parts
dressing on the side
4 1/2 skins
complicated chickens
out of the whirlwind
abraham's anus
tinfoil horn
extra mayonnaise
chutes & ladders
perfect temperature
tiny baby ducks
winterthur
sideways koolaid
missing picks
pickle meringue
the first 64 books of the bible
just a little drool
peanut butter and peanuts and butter
pixie stix
norman at home
under the fridge
shouldn't be chunky
fishers of monsters
the blue m&ms
not enough crunchy
pillar of cheese
grog
zoo sticks
weathered ham
searching for gomer
settle for leah
marshmallow thunder
soap
locusts for breakfast

Things that would freak me out if I coughed them up

I'm feeling a bit under the weather this week. I've been coughing a lot and just don't feel quite my chipper self. With this in mind, please enjoy the following list.

an iron lung
a brachiosaurus
a family of squirrels (for Carly)
batman
my kidneys
superstition
donald trump's hair
the andromeda galaxy
a karaoke machine
mesopotamia
snuffaluffagus
a hairball
omarosa
weebles (weebles wobble but they don't fall down)
a lung fish
deepak chopra

Things that would make the world a better place (inspired by MaryMoo)

moon pies - the ultimate health food
most broadway shows feature an all hippopotamus cast
everybody gets a couple of extra knuckles
eating puppy chow temporarily turns you into an adorable puppy
once you make a snowman, it never ever ever melts
no broccoli (i'm sure that this will inspire some comments from the freakin' veggie heads out there)
sea monkeys grow to be human size and do things like attend college and work at starbucks
every state is actually the same color as it appears in an atlas
tiny gnomes scurry about your garden and if you catch one, you get a free honda
world's most popular music -- gansta rap barbershop quartets
new choice becomes available at grocery store checkout "paper, plastic, or cast iron?"
everybody gets to be invisible for six hours, but while invisible emanates a strong scent of toasted marshmallows, so you would have an idea if someone was spying on you

Easter Games

A few years back, my good friend Aleehsha, for whom my stupendous slideshow was created (see sidebar), was teaching children's Sunday School at our church. Well, Easter Sunday was fast approaching and she was looking for some ideas for the children. She sent out an email asking if anybody knew of any Easter games. Knowing that she had a huge crush on me (she has a thing for monsters), I felt compelled to share some of my brilliant ideas:

1. You could play a game called Pocket-Egg. The kids put raw eggs in their pockets and tumble around with each other. The last child with intact eggs in his pocket wins the game.

2. This game is called Convulsions. You feed all the kids sugar-coated marshmallows until they are shaking violently. The last kid who can write his name legibly wins the game.

3. We'll call this one Easter Grass. Roll up Easter Grass into cigarette paper. Have the children try to smoke one. When they hack and choke violently, say "This is what happens when you try to smoke grass. Jesus does not want you smoking grass on Easter."

4. This is a game called Malted Milk Ball Bombardment. Um, choose one child to be in the mush pot. All the other children throw Malted Milk Balls at him until he cries. Explain how chocolate is bad for you.

5. Let's call this one Caring For Bunnies. Bring 8 live bunnies to class. Put them all in the crib and let them "get to know one another". This can be used as a lesson for sexual responsibility.

6. This one's called The Easter Egg Of Great Price. Pass out chocolate eggs to all the children. Then have them give the eggs back to you and ask the children to leave the room. While they are gone, eat all of the eggs. When they come back in the room, tell them to look and try and find their eggs. Blend into a lesson of the parable about the pearl of great price. When they can't find their eggs, point out how valuable the eggs seem now that they're missing.

7. This is a twist on Easter Egg decorating. Instead of using vinegar and food coloring, have the kids decorate their eggs using colored pencils. If any of the kids crack the shells, make them start over with a new egg. This can be a lesson on patience. (Be sure to keep those pencils sharp.)

8. This is called The Empty Tomb. Give all the children hollow chocolate Easter bunnies. Have them eat the heads off of the bunny. Explain how now it resembles the empty tomb of Jesus. Don't let them eat any more, because you wouldn't eat the empty grave, would you?

9. A Special Easter Egg Hunt. Tell the kids there's going to be an Easter Egg hunt. Hide about 20 Easter Eggs, but coat each one thoroughly with Vaseline. When the children find the eggs and recoil in surprise, explain how things that seem good at the time are often bad for us. (Premarital sex, fried foods, beer, etc.)

10. Another Special Easter Egg Hunt. Have the kids leave the room and hide a bunch of Easter eggs for them. Only when you hide them, make sure they are a little bit too high for any of the kids to reach. Pretend to find a few yourself and act delighted. Explain how when they get older they will reach higher levels of spiritual maturity. Be sure to console them with "Maybe next year when you're taller".

11. This game is called Exhaustion. Have the kids do wind sprints up and down the hall for the entire hour. This has nothing to do with Easter, but it should make the class easier on you.

12. Early Risers. Have all the kids take a nap as soon as they get there. As soon as each child falls asleep, shake him and wake him up violently. Tell him that this is how Jesus must have felt when he arose from the dead.

13. Buy about 40 boxes of Peeps. Before the children arrive, wad them all up into a great big marshmallow ball. The kids can kick this around and play soccer with it, or whatever games they feel like. At the end of the hour, whoever won the soccer game gets to take the marshmallow ball home as a prize. Tell the parents how they don't have to worry about the Easter dinner dessert.

14. Give each child an unwrapped chocolate bunny when he comes to class. Tell him or her it is their job to care for the bunny all day long on Easter. This will be a lesson on caring for those in need. Tell them that Jesus will be sad if the bunny melts, or breaks, or any part of it gets eaten.

19. Have the children sit around and eat chocolate for the first half an hour. After 30 minutes, pour a single glass of chilled milk. Set it in the middle of the table. Read the story of the woman caught in adultery who was brought before Jesus to be stoned. When finished, say "Whosoever is without sin, let them come forward and drink the chilled milk." Then go ahead and drink it yourself.

Things you shouldn't jab with a fork

a resting pig
your grandmother
your eardrum
an electrical socket
familiarity
pinata filled with hot soup
another fork
ted danson
california gnatcatcher
the road
a marble
the declaration of independence
a shogun warrior