Cute Dimply Butt

For my friend Linds, who first fell in love with me when she saw this photo:

Things that would not be good ideas for a reality show

Bob's Desk - Unedited work-week film footage from the desk of a guy named Bob, who works as an accountant for a large insurance company in Omaha, NE.

Our Pet Lions - A middle American family of four with no prior animal training adopts 3 full grown male lions as house pets for 6 weeks.

Moore is Less - Reality show based on the day to day home life of self-appointed know-it-all "filmmaker" Michael Moore.

A Little Bit of Fear Factor - Contestants are forced to participate an series of challenges which are a only a little bit frightening or unpleasant. For example - crossing the street against the light, drinking milk a few days past the expiration date, and skateboarding without the proper padding.

Survivor: Kansas - Players are dropped in the middle of a corn field with no food, no water, no cell phones, and no map to the nearest highway. Eventually they find their way to a road and probably just hitchhike or call their families to come pick them up or something.

Mobster - Wanna be gansters get to spend 3 months hanging out with mafioso learning the ropes. As a final test at the end of the show they have to whack someone to earn the $50,000 prize.

The Real World: Caffeine Nation - Seven strangers come together and live in house for four months. Oh, and by the way, their entire diet for the duration of the show consists of Starbucks Venti triple-shot cups of coffee and chocolate covered espresso beans.

Trading Hampsters - Two families from different parts of the country, each of which own hampsters, trade pets with each other for two weeks and have a life enriching learning experience.

The Bachelor . . . Lights Out - Its the same bachelor show we've come to expect, except this time all of the participants are blind folded and forbidden from speaking for the duration of the show.

Painters - A camera crew follows a couple of guys around for a summer while they paint houses.

Things that don't suck

unplugged vacuums
procrastination
being blue
sleeping in
sugar
photosynthesis
chicks
having a giant, and I mean a GIANT panda for a best friend
aquaman
pop-rock milkshakes
the ozone layer
tv
the direction west
shimmying
that new car smell
all things monster

Things that suck

gristle
eating the last piece of halloween candy
accidentally biting down onto your fork
intentionally biting down onto your fork
vacuums
when you accidentally walk out of the restroom with your pants around your ankles
stupid people
itchy privates
having a commercial jingle that you hate stuck in your head
burping up a little bit of vomit
very very small lemurs
pouring up a bowl of cereal and discovering there is only like a thimble of milk left
hornets
getting a hair stuck on your tongue, then getting it off and realizing you have no idea whose hair it is

Things that are almost too fantastic too believe

ummfmfm grmp arr ummmph
ughmmm nunnmmpff ffnnf grmphhh
ffnnfdnnm uuugngn mfmf phm
grrmphp uhm mmf phnnn
uummhpu ghrr rrrhumpf
pffmmph ummmmgmp ggrmumf
grrrrumpmf ffrmm
ummmg grmm ummpfhh
umuumpm grmphh urrg INSIDE the tarantula!!


PS - really sorry about that last list ... gruntley crammed me into a sock just as I started writing

Little known but very interesting monster factoids

when monsters sneeze, they temporarily burst out in stripes all over their body
when monsters run, they are invisible, except for some fleeting purple sparks
when monsters poop, it comes as delicious candy ("hot tamales candy" if they've eaten salsa, etc.)
monsters are immortal
when monsters get wet, they turn into gremlins (i will soon post a picture of me when wet)
when very frustated or excited, monsters can double talk (ie. speaking in two very distinct voices. just ask gruntley and bunny.)
monsters are cute and adorable (this happens to be VERY well known, but i felt i should include it here because it is such an important characteristic)

Things I would NOT advise you to say to your man (for the girls)

Couldn't really think of anything to put here because guys are too stupid to care what you say to them.

Hey, I tried. If anybody has any suggestions, feel free to chime in.

Lil' G

Dear chicks who read my last post . . .

I think perhaps there was some confusion regarding my intentions in the previous post. If you pay attention and read carefully, you will see that it says "Things I would NOT advise you to say to your woman (for the guys)." Please note the presence of the word "not." I am working hard to try to spare the feelings of women everywhere. We all know that chicks can be a little over sensitive sometimes (at certain times more than others) -- I'm just trying to help out. In fact, I would recommend to all you babes out there that you may want to share this list with the man in your life so he will know what NOT to say to you.

Can't we all just get along?

Much love for all,
Lil' G
aka The Blue Babe Magnet

Things I would NOT advise you to say to your woman (for the guys)

"if you want me to validate you, feel free to say something valid"
"its not the outfit that makes you look fat"
"oh my god - does it ever stop talking?"
"i would be happy to pay more attention to you, could you try to be a little more interesting?"
"sorry honey the game's on this afternoon -- i'm sure your sister will be getting married again sometime"
"it puts the lotion on its skin ... "
"what are you kidding? we just had a serious talk yesterday!"
"happy belated birthday"