Things that I'm planning on giving as gifts this Christmas

odor eaters
polenta
scabies
hearty congratulations
montana
coherence
the evil eye
fog in a box
gunk
my pet aardvark weldon, or maybe just some of his hair
the force
thistles
discernment
puddleglum

Things that are more interesting to bowl with than a bowling ball

a watermelon
telekinesis
uncle jonathan's squeamy head
frozen peas
live ants
chicken livers
walmart
a football
motivation
gravy
ketchup packets (Heinz only)
eight bowling balls
neptune
seabiscuit
hope

Things that I wish had been in Cinderella

harleys
david copperfield
egg salad
a spelling bee
orcs
elvis (fat)
laser tag
talking mice who could sew (wait that's crazy...)
leprosy
the eye of the tiger
chalk
creamed asparagus
a good chase scene
ponch and jon

Things that I'm glad weren't in my bed when I woke up this morning

a few dozen poison arrow frogs
a compost heap
jeff probst
green tea mochi things
a bucket of lysol
argentina
88 pounds of cashew butter
ted kennedy
a wooly mammoth

Things that don't exist that should

chocolate-covered carrots
the sheep olympics
the monster channel
removable ears
fiberglass surgery
instant rice krispie cookies
electric sharks
robitussin lattes
finger hats
banana toothpaste
toaster noodles
velveeta shampoo
the grover galaxy
billy gilman land

Things I could live without

rashes
andy rooney
lumpy oatmeal
phlegm
the three stooges
unidenitfiable smells
sundried tomatos
weeds
personal grooming devices
michael moore
binding underpants

Things that I'm no longer going to carry in my backpack

ice cream
a skunk
soup
bricks
an octopus
my vcr
frozen apple juice pops
guilt
another backpack
hubcaps

Things that I would be surprised to find in box of cereal

panda bears
dentures
c.s. lewis
milk
attitude
the rhythm nation
a walrus
smoke
nutirtion
china (the country)
china (the stuff you eat off of)
chyna (that wresting chick)
pot roast

Things that would be a poor substitute for raisins in raisin bran

teeth
tiny rocks
gum
aspirin
raisin scented bran flakes
whiskers
marbles
love
broccoli
squid eyes
caps (the expoding kind)
scabs
prunes

Things that would be difficult to paint

a cricket
vladamir putin
spit
other paint (while still in the can)
the himalayas
gravity
a pterodactyl
gumption
sugar
maine

Things that just don't quite smell right

cheese
your hands
cbs news
bandages (new)
health food stores
bandages (used)
new jersey

Things that seem appealing at first

anything soy based
relatives
the evening news
sweaters
watching soccer
saturday night live
cioppino
collecting stamps
jon stewart
walking to get where you're going

Things that I would be disappointed to find in my shoe

a weasel
eggs
thumbtacks
formaldehyde
someone else's socks
batteries
a chicken beak
fresca

Things that I would prefer not to win in a raffle

ear wax
itchiness
lukewarm salmon dinner with limp vegetables
a rhino, or more than one rhino
stupidity
bill maher
dust
vaseline
eel surprise

Things that I would be unlikely to put in my nose

superglue
rolled coins
al sharpton
leaves
primatine mist
a rubber hose
pizza

Things that I have NOT thought about today

lemmings
napolean
tidyness
the yukon
ebeneezer scrooge

Things that I have thought about today

marshmallows
leopards
the old testament
nebraska
cooperation