Things that I wouldn't want to see added to the menu at my favorite restaurant

prehensile tails
old sneakers
broccoli
assorted pests in a sour cream-dill sauce
food "products"
crack
bath water
random dish scrapings from the last party
hooves in a cabernet reduction
salt in a dixie cup
fear
strawberry and liver parfaits
milk that's only a little spoiled
the deluxe rind platter

Things that I would like to melt

my worries away
a lizard
a toenail (detached)
cheese whiz
shampoo
i can't believe its not butter
sarcasm
greenland
a frisbee
that creepy bumble dude from the rudolph special

Things that make me laugh

meeting anyone named cletis
scared kids in bumper cars
ted kennedy
alfredo sauce
that rub-a-dub-dub rhyme
the color periwinkle
nome, alaska (serioulsy... what if only gnomes lived there, wouldn't that be cool? everything would be all little...and think about the the cool hats)
beets
6o minutes (not andy rooney though)
the little piggy who had the roast beef
tangents
alf

Things that I wouldn't want to scratch my nails on

a sunburn
roger clinton
unidentified goo
a slug
sandpaper
my eyeball
apathy
chalk
a flounder
a nuclear warhead

Things that you really don't want to hear the first day on a new job

"here's your desk, your chair arrives next week"
"ummm.... 'dress code' means that everyone has to wear a dress"
"i hope you brought your own hip boots"
"its tuesday, or as we like to call it .... naked day"
"did we actually hire you? "
"new guy is here - everybody line up for.... [unintelligible]..."
"well look who got dressed in the dark for his first day of work"
"you're fired"
"over here is where we keep the happy meal boxes... "

Things that would be more interesting if they were round

hot dogs
checkerboards
teeth
toast
rulers
chapstick
celery

Things that are on this list

snoopy
dichondra
charlotte's web
the st. louis arch
smoldering ashes
neoprene
willingness
pop rocks
richard dawson
jiggling
scrapings
momentum
cartoon llamas

Things that you might not want to say to a bear, should you meet one in the woods

bears suck
i bet you couldn't eat me in less than 5 bites
is that your breath, or are we near a rendering plant?
i'm really more of a packers fan
goldilocks wet your bed
'sup baloo?
i bet the lions and tigers could kick your sorry, fuzzy, bear butt
peeeeewwwwwww, mix in a shower once in a while why don't ya?
gentle ben was gay

Things that I would have named the 8th dwarf, had there been one

crappy
flakey
chamois
flingy
poopy
itchy
clingy
drippy
lumpy
snotty
chirpy
crikey
slurpee
clammy
scaly
knobby
carlos