A very Monster Christmas

Every year, the members of my adoptive family all trade Christmas gifts with each other. It goes without saying that my list is by far the most interesting. Here is the email I just sent out to the family.


Dear Crazy Clan,

I know that you all have been waiting with bated breath to hear just what it is that Grover will be asking for this Christmas. I know all of you will want to give me at least 5 or 6 gifts apiece. If you do not have time to find that many, please make sure that you at least get me three, preferably the three most expensive ones.

So without further ado, here are my requirements:

As always, tiny Santas and tiny cruets (for you morons who do not know what cruets are, here is the definition: "A small vessel for holy water or for water or wine used in the consecration of the Eucharist.") The Santas CANNOT be any taller than 3/4" and the cruets should be 1/2" or smaller. Each one of you is required to give me either a Santa or a cruet or you will not be invited to my Rockin' Grover's World New Year's Eve Party 2006 Blowout Extravaganza -- at Caesar's.

Miniature compasses
Miniature Swiss Army Knives
A T-Rex (the car)
A T-Rex (the dinosaur)
A vial of sand from the banks of the Mississippi
A 3-night's stay at the Montage in Laguna Beach
A sea cucumber (dead or alive)
One of the sharks from the Long Beach aquarium
A date with Jessica Simpson (now that she's available)
Buoyancy
The gavel that the Speaker of the House uses to bang on the podium
Some Pop Rocks
Cuban cigars
A chocolate Elvis
The Hope diamond
Gideon's trumpet
Candy cigarettes
A jar of salsa with a picture of a mule on it
Ice climbing gear
Olivia Newton-John CD
McDonald's franchise
Silly putty
An ostrich
A couple dozen monster trucks